The Tides Of Change

This posting is my 20th on this blog. This Tuesday is my 17th birthday. This has been a great day.

My mind is a wanderer, in a world made of dreams. I let it wander, because only when left free can it experience the greatest possible plethora of emotions, ideas, and experiences. In two days, I will have wandered, coasted, been forced into climbing, and fallen down for seventeen years, and this is important to me. I have grown and changed a lot, and I can see this, which says something important. I may not be mature, but I'm getting closer. I may not be perfect, but I'm getting there. I may not be a good person, but as much as I hate to say it, I'm getting there.

Today may not be the pivotal day of change, but since when does life work out in a symmetrical and convenient way? Never. At least not for me. So today, I'm writing about me, and my philosophy.

Me: I am an artist. This means, not that I have any skill, but that I have the vision necessary to create works of literature and visual art, maybe even music. I'm not perfect, in any way. I don't think I'm beautiful, or kind, or free of guilt. I also don't have very high self-esteem either, but that's all okay. I'm a continuously growing entity, like everyone else, the product of my own mind and the world around me. Someday, I want to be better at what I do and feel better about myself, and as of this moment, I have faith in the fact that this will come to pass.

The Philosophy: I like to call my philosophy the Inkblot, as it incorporates many elements of this device. The general idea is that anything in the world can be understood in an infinite number of ways, and none of them are definitively the right way. Also, these interpretations allow an observer to understand the interpreter based on what he sees. Another idea is that since an inkblot is almost inherently random, there can be no process for understanding and dealing with them other than to take them as they come. From this concept comes my method of handling life, by observing and making individual decisions. My morals should be mutable, as well as my intentions, so long as what I do is sensible based on the information I have. in this way, I can live with no regrets.

The final note of the day goes out to my friends, few though they are.

To Raelifin, I would send thanks and goodwill, for being an altruistic and genuinely good person to the point of a fault. I sincerely hope life doesn't tear us apart as it has to so many others.

To Xathan, I want to thank for helping me cope with the world and all it's unpleasant truths. I dreamed of a day when we could have a game shop, and now I fear that may never be. However, you let me dream, and that's something of immeasurable value.

To NastyNate, I would thank for crushing my dreams. Someone had to do it, and you did it before they could. You're my hero for doing whatever the hell you feel like, and just not giving a shit about anything. If anything, you are a classhole, and I appreciate that.

Cameron gets the honor of being the one person who I wanted to be more than anyone else. You showed me an ideal, and then taught me to be myself. I want to thank you for putting up with me all of the years I bothered you, and for still acknowledging my existence after everything. Thank you.


Finally, we come to Elven Doritos. You and I have had a fickle relationship, filled with verbal abuse, intense competition, and a grudging respect under it all. Recently, issues have arisen that I am willing to share in the responsibility for. However, I want my friend back. You are the voice of reason, even if the reason is humorous.

That's all folks, goodnight.

~ T

What are people?

This morning my thoughts rambled, as they are prone to do. My choice of music was Avril Lavigne's My World track, which worked some magic in that it cheered me up. So, in my ramblings this morning, I experienced some rather intriguing philosophical meanderings on the nature of people.

"People are inherently made of dichotomies, and yet can never be clearly divided into categories. The divide starts with the basics of male and female, old and young, black and white. But then the mind enters the field, and everything becomes complicated, creative and bromide, tired and inspired, experienced and naive. Really, there is no way to make a generalization about the whole species. Or so it appears.

In fact, all people have these terribly vague things called feelings or emotions, and the expression, or lack, of these things determines another's opinion of you. Some might call these feelings a fault, serving to interfere with the precision that could be man. Others say that these are the core of our being, the source of art and passion and war.

Yeah, I said it. War. Perhaps the most controversial product of human nature. It can be caused by greed, honor, or any of the other artificial idealistic constructs of the human mind. Either way, this phenomenon of violence is, in my opinion, the greatest flaw in our nature. It makes us worse than animals, who kill only for their own need, and worse than nature, which kills out of ignorance. Humanity is on the whole the most despicable thing on this earth, and that is why it deserves only what it has given to the world, destruction.

However, Art is the dichotomous opposite of war. where one destroys, the other creates. One is profane and blasphemous, the other divine and valorous in it's beauty. In my opinion, art is the only redeeming factor in the equation of our existence. The existence of man."

There you have it folks, my thoughts on man. Where do I fit in all of this? Well, I'm an artist and philosopher, so I merely paint the truth, and attempt to discern it through the veil of lies that the world puts up to obscure the facts.

~ T

The only thing to fear, is fear itself. Right?

The philosopher Lao-tzu once said "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." I read this quote years ago, and it still guides my thoughts when they are left without a greater influence.

Anyway, as the topic of this post suggests, today's blog is about fear. To be specific, my own two greatest fears. After many efforts to comprehend my own mind through self-contemplation, these two states of living have arisen as the least pleasant to me.

The first is the fear of missing out. It is my perpetual fear that I will not be there to hear the joke, or be unable to take advantage of an opportunity. This manifests in such simple things as desiring "limited edition" collectibles, and affects me in such profound ways as an unquenchable desire to be where the action is. Perhaps the greatest issue that arises from this fear is that I am prone to irrational courses of action in my efforts to avoid being left out.

My second major fear is harder to explain and understand. I am afraid of deletion, the void, and decay. You see, I save pictures, books, quotes, anything I can, if only to prevent it's eventual destruction. I find it incredibly frustrating that so little in this world is truly permanent, and this is why I fight so hard to preserve the beautiful, profound, and significant.

Well, there is today's insight. Until next time...

~ T

"Youth is truly wasted on the young"

The topic of today's blog is youth. To be young, one must be reckless and unable to appreciate the value of the state.

Today I was thinking upon the nature of youth, because I am constantly living in fear of misspending mine. I don't smoke, drink, or do any illegal drugs. However, the desire to do these things has permeated my being thoroughly until recently, and only the lack of any opportunity to engage in these activities has prevented me from doing so. It seems that these activities have been closely intertwined with the concept of being young in my mind. To err is human, and to make mistakes is the prime characteristic of childhood and immaturity. If one does not make mistakes, then one has never lived on his own, instead vicariously feeding off the experiences of others who have come before. If I do not learn the lessons myself, how do I know that something was not lost in the communication of the truths the last generation has imparted to me?

A friend tells me that I'm not missing anything by not going to parties, and to focus on school and my future is the proper course. Yet another friend would have me believe that getting high is the best part of life. I don't know who to trust, and even trusting at all seems like a bad plan to me in general.

Confusion rules my life right now, and these thoughts were extracted from the meanderings of my mind. I hope the words taught you something.

T